Holiday Grief - How to Cope During the "Most Wonderful Time of Year"
The holidays can be filled with joy, family, laughter, and giving. But, for some people, this time of year can bring on intense emotions and unwanted feelings, especially when missing someone they used to spend these special times with.
One of the most impactful statements I've come across regarding grief was that time may help heal, but the initial pain can be felt on a day that is months, years, even decades later. This is especially true on significant days - birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
COVID has impacted the grieving process for many of us. We don't have access to the same amount of physical social support we once did. Because of this, you may find yourself feeling worse this year than in the past. For those who have lost someone during the pandemic, the end of the year may evoke recently painful memories or emotions. Either way, it is crucial to take the steps YOU need, and be there for others when you can.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief during this time of year, you aren't alone, and there are some simple ways to navigate the complicated pain.
1. Take time to accept emotions
This can be difficult, but taking the time to acknowledge the feelings we endure prevents them from escaping in other ways. This is better for long term healing. Let yourself feel happy emotions, as well. You shouldn't feel guilty for experiencing joy this time of year without your loved one. It's a natural emotion that has a positive impact on our psyches. It doesn't diminish how much you miss your loved one.
2. Find support
This doesn't have to be your family or friends if you find that they don't provide much help. Find a support group, group therapy, or individual therapy. There may be days you feel alone or overwhelmed. Have someone to talk through this with. Sometimes we are in bad company when we are alone. Surround yourself with love and care whenever possible. Support can also be found in unexpected places such as meditation, yoga, and communing with nature. If these aren't practices you typically participate in, try one or all of them out and see how you feel.
3. Set boundaries
IT'S OKAY if you don't want to go to the Christmas party or you don't want your neighbors to come by caroling (COVID is another good reason to avoid these things). Participate in what you feel comfortable with. Prioritize your wellbeing by letting others know ahead of time what you want and what you don't. Don't feel pressure to act normal just to make others happy or participate in activities you aren't ready for yet.
4. Combine new and old traditions
This can be different for different people. Maybe you don't want to change things; you want to be as close to the person you lost as possible, and changing a routine or tradition is frightening. But maybe you need a change, and this year is the perfect time to start. Accept this and work towards finding new traditions and ways of celebrating that bring you joy. Look for ways to create traditions that honor your lost loved one such as playing their favorite song, lighting a candle in their honor, or making their favorite holiday meal.
5. Adjust expectations
It goes without saying that this year will look different for most people. We often spend the holidays with unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Did we do enough? Did they do enough? Don't take on this added pressure. Reevaluate and adjust expectations of perfection this year.
6. Practice gratitude
This may be in the form of finding one small thing each day you are grateful for. It may be remembering the special times you spent with your loved one. Find some ways to express gratitude in all areas of life to have a more positive experience during the holidays.
We all grieve differently. Our relationships are unique and we learn to cope in various ways. Although the holidays often focus on giving to others, take some time to give to yourself. Whether that be time, space, or some self-care, it is crucial for the healing process.
For more specific tips read this article on whatsyourgrief.com.