How positive self talk can transform your health: 3 steps to cultivate more self-love

Growing up, you were likely taught that punishment is an effective tool to influence positive behavior change. For example, if you didn’t study for a test, you could potentially fail and be reprimanded by your parents, so you studied hard and strived for A’s. If you misbehaved as a child, you may have been put in timeout or had your toy taken away, so you behaved well. Sometimes negative reinforcement can have positive effects - if we didn’t think about the consequences of certain actions, we would go around doing whatever we please with no regard for how it might hurt ourselves or other people. So, to a certain extent, negative reinforcement can prevent us from making decisions that we will later regret. However, when it comes to your own internal dialogue and your relationship with yourself, negative reinforcement and self-punishment can be deeply detrimental, often producing the opposite result of what we’re trying to achieve. This is why cultivating positive self talk is crucial when it comes to reaching your health and wellness goals.

How positive self talk can transform your health

Since most of us were brought up with some level of negative reinforcement - whether it was from parents, teachers or coaches - it makes sense that we would have the same approach when we talk to ourselves inside our heads. For example, let’s say your old basketball coach used to make the entire team run extra sprints if you missed practice. As harsh as that punishment may have been, you dreaded the idea of being the person who made everyone else suffer, and it ultimately did make you show up for practice. So in a sense, this strategy worked really well, and maybe on some level you even appreciated this level of discipline, because it motivated you to show up and not let others down.

But now, as an adult, you use this same approach towards yourself with your fitness goals. For example, if you skip your workout today, you might “punish” yourself with guilt, and run extra miles on the treadmill tomorrow to make up for your “bad” behavior. Based on your past experiences, it makes sense to think this sort of harsh discipline will motivate you to be better, right?

Unfortunately, we’ve got it wrong. While this strategy may have worked well when outside influences were holding you accountable, it doesn’t work when it comes to you disciplining and motivating yourself. Not only does it not motivate us to change, but negative self talk can also contribute to higher levels of anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles.

The reason negative self talk is so detrimental is because of a concept called the cognitive triangle, which states that our thoughts influence our feelings, and our feelings influence our actions. Using the earlier example, if you miss a workout today, and you start to think negative thoughts such as, “I’m a failure” or “I can’t stick to anything” then you will begin to experience very low feelings. These feelings will then influence your actions (or lack thereof) and you will be less likely to make any sort of positive change.

Let’s take this same scenario and reverse the negative inner dialogue into a positive one. Instead of getting down on yourself for skipping your workout this morning, you decide to give yourself grace. You choose to replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations:

“I forgive myself.”

“I am capable of changing my habits.”

“I can always try again tomorrow.”

This positive inner dialogue will create a more positive emotional state. Instead of feeling like you failed, you will start to feel empowered and capable, and because you feel this way, you are more likely to try again tomorrow. And this time, you’ll be much more likely to succeed.

Hopefully you can see through these example that positive self talk has the power to transform not only your health, but every area of your life, and by the same token, negative self talk can be a huge blocker in reaching your wellness goals.

If you’re now thinking, “uh oh… I have a negative inner dialogue. Is my life ruined?” Don’t worry - even those with a very positive inner dialogues still experience negative thoughts. We are human; negative emotions are a part of life, and sometimes they are necessary! The goal is not to eradicate every negative thought, or bypass your (very normal, very human) emotions, but rather to cultivate a dominant state of positivity, where the default thoughts are mostly loving and supportive rather than demeaning or critical.

We all have the power to create a positive inner dialogue, it just takes a bit of practice, awareness, and focused attention. Here are my top tips for cultivating more self love and positivity in your inner dialogue.

3 steps to cultivating more self love so you can reach your wellness goals

Step 1) Build awareness. It’s true what they say: you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. In order to clean up your inner dialogue, you first have to look at the mess. Most of us are prone to thinking on autopilot, without any awareness of the quality of our thoughts. The most effective tool to start becoming aware of your thoughts is mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness is the process of observing your entire sensory experience: sound, sight, taste, touch, smell, and yes - thoughts, so that you can anchor into the present moment instead of worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. During a mindfulness meditation, your thoughts are just another part of the sensory experience. You can “watch” your thoughts pass by like passing clouds, and this can be profoundly transformative in detaching from negative thoughts so they no longer have such a hold on us. You can use meditation apps like Calm or Insight Timer to find guided mindfulness meditations, or start with this free 5 minute guided meditation.

Step 2) Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. After you begin observing your inner dialogue, it’s time to start tending to the “garden” of your mind. We can’t always control the thoughts that come into our mind, but we can control the thoughts we latch onto or “feed.” The goal is to water the roses, not the weeds. For example, if you have a negative thought such as, “I’m not good at this.” you can choose to replace that thought with something like, “I’m capable of anything I set my mind to.” In the beginning, you may need to add lots of water to the roses of your inner garden by repeating those positive thoughts over and over again. This might feel redundant, but over time you’ll begin to notice that the positive thoughts are more frequent and the negative thoughts become quieter.

3) Reframe challenges into opportunities. Not only is it important to monitor the thoughts we have about ourselves, but it’s also equally as important to monitor the thoughts we have about external circumstances. When challenges arise, it’s easy to think, “This always happens to me.” However, cultivating a positive inner dialogue requires a reframe of everyday challenges and inconveniences. Instead of thinking, “Why is this happening to me,” you must train your brain to think “Every challenge is happening for me.” Because it’s true - every obstacle you face will ultimately make you stronger and more resilient.

Remember that there is a big difference between a positive mindset and toxic positivity, and it’s important not to learn the difference between negativity and feeling your feelings. Sometimes life hits us with with really intense situations and those emotions need to be felt. This does not mean you are succumbing to negativity, it just means you’re human. Self love is not about being positive all the time, it’s about having compassion for yourself in all your states of being. A positive inner dialogue allows space for imperfection, and self love is simply about showing yourself the same kindness that you show towards your friends and loves ones.

Remember, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself, so don’t forget to give that relationship some attention and care. I can guarantee only good things will come of it.

If you need help reaching your wellness goals and are ready to nourish yourself from the inside out, reach out to me to learn more about private coaching.