Positive Mindset vs. Toxic Positivity for Mental Health: Where's the line?
‘Move on.’
‘Power through. You’ll get over it.’
‘It’s not the end of the world.’
Have you ever had one of these statements and thought, ‘I know this person is trying to help me, so why doesn’t it feel so good?’ Maybe you even say these things to yourself, in hopes that your negative feelings will just magically go away…
This is toxic positivity at work: the belief that your negative emotions are “bringing you down”, and the solution to navigating uncomfortable feelings is to “just stay positive” all the time. While a positive mindset is important for mental health, people often misconstrue real positivity with toxic positivity. Let’s explore the difference between the two and how we can cultivate a positive mindset without taking it to an extreme.
Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity
Being a positive person does not mean that you have perfect mental health and don’t feel negative emotions. It means that you allow space for all of your emotions to be felt - good and bad - without judgment, shame or avoidance. It means you allow yourself the time and space to process negative motions, so that they can be released.
We’ve all had an experience or two with someone who is stuck in a negative mindset and only sees everything that’s wrong about the world. If you’re reading this, it’s likely because you never want to be that person. Maybe you even want to help those people see the opportunity and possibility that life has to offer. It only seems right, then, that you should always “look on the bright side,” but when does the pendulum start to swing the other way?
As soon as you start to use positive thinking as a means to suppress your very real, very unpredictable human emotions, it can actually do more harm than good for your mental health. Negative emotions aren’t always fun, but they are very useful, and they need to be felt. Like signposts pointing us to our destination, negative emotions are pointing out what’s not working in our life so that we can course correct and align with what we want. If we consistently ignore these signposts, we eventually end up lost and in a panic.
Imagine your emotions are like water flowing through your body. When you suppress a negative emotion, it creates a blockage in the flow of water. The water can re-route temporarily, but over time, that blockage is going to build and build, and soon, you’re going to burst. This “burst” can look like:
Lashing out at people
Over reacting to small triggers
Hitting your “breaking point”
Anxiety or panic attack
Hopelessness or depression
Physical symptoms like gut issues, skin issues, and achey joints (yep! The body and the brain are very much connected).
Real positivity is allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions when they arise without guilt or shame, knowing that it’s okay to not feel good all the time, and that like every emotion, this, too, shall pass.
Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. It’s even more okay to let people know that you’re not okay. It takes a lot of bravery and strength to acknowledge your feelings - it’s easier to shove them down and hope they go away. My goal is to help you release the resistance so that negative emotions can pass through, like water, and be released.
Signs of toxic positivity:
Toxic positivity can be hard to detect, as the name itself is contradictory. You’ve likely experienced it before, either from other people, or from your own internal narrative, because our culture doesn’t hold a lot of space for negative emotions. Toxic positivity also comes from a good place most of the time, but it still has harmful repercussions. Here are a few signs and symptoms of toxic positivity:
Distracting yourself with a busy schedule/running away from your emotions
Trouble sitting still or being alone
Guilting or shaming yourself for having certain emotions
Trying to “just get over it” and “move on”
“I should be grateful”
Trouble apologizing or taking accountability
Lashing out or over-reacting
Mood swings/mood instability
Real positivity doesn’t dismiss or invalidate your current experience, it doesn’t have an undertone of judgment or shame to it, and it doesn’t make you feel like an inconvenience to people around you.
The below statements are examples of common phrases that honor your current experience instead of forcing you to bypass it and focus on the positive outcome. You can use these phrases on yourself or with people in your life who are struggling.
Instead of ‘You’ll get over it,’ say ‘This is really hard. Be gentle with yourself.’
Instead of ‘I’ll be fine,’ say ‘This is where I’m at right now.’
Instead of ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ say ‘What do you need right now? To talk, to be alone, advice, a hug?’
Instead of ‘I wish I didn’t feel like this,’ say ‘I am human and I’m allowed to feel like this.”
Cultivating a positive mindset for mental health
Now that you’re aware of what toxic positivity looks like, you can begin to cultivate a real positive mindset - one that is rooted in love and acceptance for all parts of the human experience. This can be difficult, and will always be a work in progress, so be gentle with yourself throughout this process.
Here are some ways to cultivate more positivity without harm:
Be compassionate with yourself: What does your inner narrative sound like? Is it a harsh inner critic, or a loving friend? The more compassion you have for yourself internally, the more you’ll be able to move through negative emotions with ease.
Sit with the pain: Instead of pushing down or running away from your emotions, be with your feelings. Allow yourself the time and space feel, cry, yell, whatever you need - and trust that no emotion is permanent.
Self-care rituals. Whether it’s meditating, journaling or going to the gym, find a practice to help you process and release everyday emotions like stress, frustration and worry, so that they don’t turn into something bigger.
Know that your feelings are valid. Instead of judging your emotions, get curious about them. Take time to sit with yourself and understand the root cause of your negative emotions, and use them as signposts pointing out things that aren’t working.
Invest in support: You don’t have to navigate the complexity of mental & emotional health on your own. Therapy, coaching and mentorship are life changing practices, and support is always available to you if you need it.
I hope this encourages you to shift the narrative around positivity and embrace the full spectrum of what it means to be human.
You are not only allowed to feel diverse emotions, but doing so is also a sign of bravery and inner strength. Next time you feel sadness, anger, or grief, I invite you to sit with it. Feel it. Honor its presence, and don’t rush it out. I bet you’ll find that when you finally stop resisting, you’ll actually feel relieved - like a blockage of water that’s finally been released.
If you’re ready to elevate your mindset so you can reach your health and wellness goals with ease, feel free to book a 1:1 consultation with me here.
